In my work with victims of narcissistic abuse I'm more typically than not asked the identical question: "How do I know I'm not the Narcissist?"
Once I requested my very own therapist this question so many years ago she answered "When you have been the narcissist you would not be asking that query, because narcissist's will not see that the problem is with them." They're too busy projecting the problems onto these round them.
Nevertheless our personal narcissism is a matter value exploring in more detail. For example: Why do we ask that query to begin with. What's it that makes us feel we're the narcissist?
In talking to a shopper at present I had an enormous realization. She was telling me how she was always disillusioned in her earlier boyfriends or partners. They just did not measure as much as her expectations. As we dug just a little deeper she defined how she has wavered between feelings of superiority and feelings of inferiority. She has constructed her personal illusion or concept signs of a narcissist
who she was which in her personal reality positioned herself upon a pedestal. So in a sense she was doing the identical thing a narcissistic personality would do. She sheltered herself from her feelings of inferiority by placing herself upon a pedestal. That pedestal created a false confidence.
So when the narcissistic personality comes into her life her false confidence is initially mirrored by the narcissist who reflects to her the image worthy of the pedestal she has placed herself upon. But because the relationship progresses her feelings of inferiority are triggered as he projects his personal inferiority upon her. Now she is experiencing the feeling of having her mate upset in her inadequacy just as she has been disappointed in past partners for his or her inadequacy.
What's the distinction than between the narcissistic associate and the one who feels abused? Compassion and Empathy! The consumer I used to be talking to at present, identified with her companions feelings of superiority and likewise with his emotions of inadequacy. She had empathy for him. She didn't need to see him harm because she knows how painful it's to expertise those self same sorts of feelings. A pathological narcissist may give a rip about his companions harm feelings. He is only concerned with himself and his personal needs.
The inverted narcissist, as Sam Vaknin calls it, is the right match for the pathological narcissist. Because when their false selves meet, the illusion of who they imagine themselves to be is reinforced to a point the place it may really feel like Cinderella meeting her prince who takes her out of her hell hole, where she is made to wear rags and sweep ashes all day. Suddenly she is swept off her ft, she suits the glass slipper completely, and is carried off to the Castle adorned with stunning robes and riches fit for the queen she is.
Maybe in this fairy tale, Cinderella at all times fantasized herself to be a queen, but she lived the reality of being an ash maiden. She was ridiculed and condemned by those round her and made to really feel unworthy of the nice things in life. But she would show them someday. She would show them she was really a queen.
For these of us who come from painful childhoods the place we had been one way or the other made to really feel inferior, we are able to easily create fantasy worlds where we escape into by no means by no means land. We imagine ourselves as fairy princesses and imagine our prince driving up on a white horse and sweeping us off our toes, carrying us from our humble reality to a fantastic castle where we're treated as a queen must be treated.
Within the psychic realm the psychosis of the pathological narcissist is a superb match for the fantasy world of the inverted narcissist. Because in the world of make believe a fantastic fantasy is created where the King and the Queen of by no means never land get collectively and journey off into the sunset. It is such a phenomenal love story, within the beginning.
But all glass slippers eventually break and so do the glass houses the "best" couple reside in. There love just isn't constructed on anything real, but moderately an illusion of perfection created by both parties. She is saying "be my prince" and he's saying "be my queen." But once they settle into the Castle the true selves begin to emerge. The feelings of inferiority start to surface. Each companions don't really want to be found out, less they risk shedding their status upon that pedestal. "What if she finds out I'm really a frog?" He would possibly think. And she might wonder "what if he knows the truth of me, that I am solely an ash sweeper?"